Does meditation feel like one more chore? Maybe try mindfulness instead

Meditation has become a mainstream practice whose benefits are backed by research, among which are:

• Better focus

• Better mood (and reduction in symptoms of anxiety and depression)

• Better sleep

• Greater control over addictions

• Improved cognition that buffers the effects of aging

• Less stress and cortisol reduction

• Even reduced pain 

I would like some of that, please! 

And yet, I have found that when life is most stressful, a meditation practice often becomes the last thing I try to do at the end of a very long day. For a couple years during the stress of the pandemic, I tried using the calm app to do guided meditations as I wound down before bed. My app would mark a little calendar that I had completed the meditation for the day (a gold star for me!) but often, I was so frazzled and fatigued at that point, I mostly just felt annoyed that one more task stood between me and sleep. I honestly couldn’t really tell if I was benefiting from any of the effects listed above. Maybe I wasn’t meditating long enough, or correctly enough? Then I would realize I was having judgmental thoughts about my ability to meditate, and meditation is all about being non-judgmental. I tried to let my judgmental thoughts "float away like a cloud" but still felt irritated.

I hope to one day be able to report back that I found a way to love meditation, but I can say that I do love mindfulness, which is broader, and a little more open to interpretation. Mindfulness is a way of connecting to your surroundings and being in the present moment. For me, that’s the key - connecting to my surroundings and sensations. Tuning into my senses can actually be lovely and enjoyable. Taste, touch, smell, hear, and feel. These are invitations to come into the moment and be alive.

Here’s what that can look like:

Coffee in the garden

I start the day by brewing coffee. Even on a very early morning, that smell draws me in and gives me that hope that it’s going to be a good day. I take my steaming cup of coffee and go outside. I walk around my garden and notice what’s blooming, what’s growing, what might be ready to harvest. The cool air and sunshine wake me up a little more, and like the bees buzzing around the flowers, I start to remember that I am also a creature that’s part of a bigger, beautiful world. 

Candlelight yoga

There’s an 8 pm candlelight yoga class I like to go to where the room is dark except for white twinkle lights around the room. The kind and gentle voice of the yoga teacher guides us through moving and stretching and breathing in a peaceful, warm space. Being in that new physical space lets me also feel new. I'm more focused on feeling than thinking. I feel my insides turn from tightly coiled ropes to Jell-O. As my body realigns, all my senses soften.

Playing with my son

Seeing the world through the eyes of a child is a gift that forces us to slow down, way, way down. Children move at a different pace- stopping to look at things we wouldn’t notice and turning random objects into toys. The best part is the connection, the back and forth, the noticing together, the laughter, silliness, and affection. 

Cooking dinner

Usually it starts with digging ingredients out of the fridge and pantry, and chopping up ingredients while the stove or oven heats up. Then it’s the sound of the sizzle, the smell of what’s cooking, and finally the taste. I may feel harried when I start, just trying to get the task done, but the process slows me down. There’s something about the ritual of setting a table, and then seeing your loved ones sit down together that creates a simple celebration of this day. 

There are so many invitations in our lives to come back here, now. To be with those we love, or to even just be with yourself, and cherish yourself as a loved one. Controlling our mind, or being non-judgmental towards our thoughts, is not easy. Our thoughts are the result of years of repetition and deepening neural pathways, and though those pathways can and do change, it is likely to happen slowly over time as we practice and build new mental muscles. Our senses on the other hand are immediate. Healthy coping strategies invite us away from ruminating thoughts, back into our feeling bodies, and into the gift of feeling new, awake, wanting to be here. Unhealthy coping strategies take us out of the moment by numbing us, creating that tempting little barrier between us and reality where we are checked out and disconnected from ourselves and those around us.

Dialectical Behavior Therapy uses a simple acronym to teach emotional regulation:

Accumulate Positive Experiences: Participate in activities and relationships you enjoy.

Build Mastery: Keep improving yourself through developing skills and growing your confidence.

Cope Ahead: Identify what self-soothing skills you will use during times of future anxiety.

When I think of "emotional regulation," I used to think of desperate attempts of self-control, like trying not to yell expletives when someone cuts you off in traffic. I love this idea that emotional regulation is actually grounded in a broader context of enjoying your life. The A and B steps (positive experiences and building mastery) can be enjoyable because they are often themselves experiences of mindfulness, that state of flow where we are in the moment.

What are those healthy coping strategies that bring you back into the moment? Perhaps it’s taking your dog to the dog park, riding your bike to work, dancing, or working on a project in the garage. Wellness doesn’t need to be all forced discipline, to-do lists, and thoughts drifting obediently away on clouds.

To me, meditation is like trying to bang on the front door of a house, asking to be let into a state of peace on the other side. Pleasure is like the side door that sneaks us in the back.